While I had every intention to complete, edit and post the blog I had accidentally published last week (once again, my apologies to those who had received the email, you have now seen my crazy thought process), I just couldn’t get myself to follow through over the long weekend. The reasoning for my inability to finalize this project was the massive change I experienced in the past few days. A massive change to the incredibly massive life change that had occurred just over three weeks ago. My completion of University brought me to White Rock, BC with Kyle and his family. The stress free lifestyle and ability to make daily choices for myself that were not controlled by school and doctors filled my soul with bliss, and began to alter many aspects of my body. What I desired to share with you last week focused on how my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body reacted to my sudden change in present life. This is what I was going to share with you, before Friday evening occurred.
The past has offered so much, but has also taken a fair amount away. In the past six years of my life thus far, I have gone through friendships and relationships, moved into six different homes, experienced pain and joy, love and loss. I have accomplished something neither myself nor my doctors believed I could, and I am slowly developing into an individual who no longer tells myself that I “can’t” or “won’t”. Nearly three weeks ago, I said goodbye to my life in Calgary and drove away with all of my belongings, Kyle, our cat, and two finalized degrees. I have officially began what is my next chapter, and it has already been much more awakening than I ever could have imagined.
Routines, patterns, lists, notes, they all seem to keep me both physically healthy and sane. When I break my routines and patterns, whether it be regular physical exercise, eating and sleep patterns, or a change of what once was regular daily events occurring in my life, I begin to notice a decrease in my overall health. I became more physically content with my routines and patterns in the past two months than I have been in the past (with the exception of flare ups and more difficult days), that this life transition has taken somewhat of a tole on my physical state. It begins with the morning stiffness, and if you suffer from this you are quite aware of how difficult it is to even reach the toilet. This stiffness radiates from my legs to a point in between my shoulder blades. The digestive system quickly becomes confused with sudden dietary changes, which introduces an abundance of complications that I don’t have to elaborate on. Sleep is greatly affected when any change occurs in my life, developing more physical pain and digestive issues. While the discomfort I feel from both grogginess and pain causes additional limitations, the physical aspect of my body is the only aspect that is currently being affected. Even with the off sleep pattern, the mental, emotional, and spiritual make up of myself has been more aligned in these past three weeks than it has been in years. These parts that make us whole act like a row of dominos, meaning that when one is triggered another becomes affected, and then another, and so on. My past habitualness increased my physical wellbeing, as I was comfortable with my routine. However, this routine was not improving the mental, emotional, or spiritual parts of what makes me whole. I was, essentially, missing three incredibly significant pieces.
On Friday morning I packed my bags once again and began my solo journey to Nelson. While I was still experiencing the joy of less stress, as well as anticipating the beauty of Nelson and the time to be spent with family and friends, I had one concern continuously entering and leaving my mind. I have been experiencing severe hair loss on both head and eyes in the past two months and was really beginning to notice it Friday. While I believe I am aware of the cause, it was one worry I was unsure of how to improve. Additionally, it was one worry I did not need. Arriving at my parents beautiful new home outside of Nelson was peaceful and extremely pleasant, until my parents and I said our goodnights and I was suddenly stricken with paralyzing anxiety. Large house, new bed, new noises, and an uncomfortable body from 9 hours of driving. I became overly paranoid and filled with negative thoughts. Will my hair grow back? Who do I reach out to for this issue related to hormones? Will I begin to see bald spots? Am I trying hard enough to gain employment for when I return from my travels? Have I completed every section of my applications, and did I do them correctly? When will the new surgeon contact me regarding the fusion? All of these questions ran through my mind at top speed, my heart rate shot through the roof, my body temperature heightened, and the muscles began to clench. Hours passed before I gave into the medication sitting in the bedside table next to me. This feeling lingered the next day, and took full control over me the minute I tucked myself into bed Saturday night. Everything I felt for the past two weeks, the peace and balance within, changed completely.
I wrote a post last year called “Day by Day” that discussed how vastly different each day can be for me, the whole me. My physical is the most obvious to outsiders, who can see the limp, or the facial expression that reveals pain. However, the three other aspects that make me whole are not as easily noticed. This sudden change from stress and no balance to no stress and what felt like balance for the first time in ages, and then back to complete chaos for a few days, reminds me that every day is truly different than the one that has passed. Additionally, you have no control over what will come tomorrow. I clearly still have a long road of discovering how to find peace within myself, and it is simply not going to occur by tomorrow morning. It is most likely not going to be something I do on my own, as I understand that most of my anxiety stems from PTSD, and well, if you have been following this blog then you are aware of where the PTSD derives from. I am, however, optimistic that I will gain the proper help and find ways to manage my pain and overall wellbeing to create peace within myself. Kyle and I are also taking one more step in this new chapter and flying off to Southeast Asia for six weeks, which I have no doubt will aid me in my journey to finding that balance. For now, I will focus on each day as it comes.
Postings on Living Now With Maia will be a more regular occurrence now that I have the time to take part in activities for myself. One activity that I have recently taken up is photography, and while I have much to learn, I will be taking photographs of my travels and posting them on here and a new Instagram account that I have created and is linked to this blog (@livingnowwith). I plan on sharing stories of my travels throughout my time in Southeast Asia, both the good and the bad, the beauty and the pain. The Instagram account will be used for a more frequent update, so please follow with me as I begin this next chapter and take pictures along the way.